The Stories We Tell Ourselves

In a recent coaching conversation, I said to the person, "You know you're building a case to support that assumption, right?"

A pause. A slow nod, the dawning realization.

We were talking about a decision they'd already made — one that quietly crossed a line they'd set for themselves. And without realising it, they had taken the twenty minutes or so giving me all the supporting “evidence” that their decision “felt” right.

They weren't being dishonest with me. No, it all sounded great. But the truth - they were lying to themselves. And they were very good at it. I could hear the echoes of well established narrative.

We Are Our Own Best Lawyers

When we've already leaned toward something that our emotions pulled us to, our mind doesn’t automatically weigh the evidence. Our thoughts will rather build the case by emphasizing all the supporting evidence to what we feel we want to do. Psychologists call this motivated reasoning — the conclusion comes first, the logic follows.

And when it goes wrong? The story flips. Suddenly it was the circumstances, the timing, the people. We stay the reasonable one. The narrative just gets rewritten around us.

The most dangerous echo chamber in your life isn't social media, or the news media you engage with. It's the one running constantly inside your own head.

For those who turn to their favourite AI tool to help make decisions – be aware that the AI you love is just a mirror of what you’ve told it. Your AI is also a sophisticated data engine that will pull on all available evidence to support your case. I’ll come back to this in a bit.* First, let’s ask a more important question – what does God say?

The Bible Saw This Coming

"There is a way that appears right to a man, but its end is the way of death." — Proverbs 14:12

It doesn't say the way is right. It says it appears right. From the inside. To the person walking it.

"All a person's ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord." — Proverbs 16:2

The self-justifying story doesn't feel like deception. It feels like wisdom. That's exactly what makes it dangerous.

"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool." — Proverbs 28:26

Proverbs doesn't call this a weakness to manage. It calls it folly. That's worth sitting with.

 Jeremiah puts is even more bluntly: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9)

So, next time you say, "It feels like the right thing to do..." stop right there. Examine the situation and get help to examine what's causing that feeling.

What It Sounds Like

In business: "The ends justify the means this season." In your personal life: "It's not that serious." "I'll deal with it when things settle down." “This time will be different.”

Reality check – what justifications have you run through your head in the last 90 days?

Getting Out of Your Head

The answer isn't more introspection. That just gives the echo chamber more airtime. The answer is exposure — deliberately breaking the loop.

"In an abundance of counsellors there is safety." — Proverbs 11:14

"Take every thought captive." — 2 Corinthians 10:5

Practically: say the narrative out loud to someone you trust. You will hear it differently the moment it leaves your head. Something about speaking it breaks the spell.

*Going back to AI. I’ve written about this before. Use AI for generating all available options – and use AI to even challenge your assumptions. (Try prompting your AI to ask you questions to uncover any unseen issues with your choice.) But don’t use AI for what only another human (a coach, mentor, trusted colleague) can do – challenge your narratives, and listen for the subtle misrepresentations of reality, and most of all – hear yourself speak things out, while being heard and accepted.

And stay close to God in the process — not as a rubber stamp for the decision you've already made, but as the one whose view sits above the echo chamber entirely.

When my father, my greatest influencer and mentor, was still alive, he was the voice of reason in many of my difficult life decisions. But when I was choosing my own path and listening to my own echo chamber of justifications, I tended to avoid discussing it with him. Why? Because I knew that he would not support me in what I was doing. Now that he’s no longer around, I check myself by asking, “What would Dad say?” This is possibly a good question to ask of my heavenly Father, daily – and let the Holy Spirit speak truth into my situation, through discernment and understanding.

You may have experienced this with your close friend circle. One of them may always support what you do, no matter what. Another is inclined to challenge you, especially when they think you're about to make a mistake. When do you tend to call on each of them? There is power in seeking wise counsel - emphasis on the adjective... be careful from whom you seek counsel.

The Closing Question

What narratives are you currently writing, even if unknowingly?

Not the story you'd tell in a meeting. The one running underneath. The one justifying the boundary you've quietly crossed, the value you've started bending, the decision that isn't sitting right.

You didn't build that case because the evidence was overwhelming.

You built it because you'd already decided.

What story are you telling yourself right now — that needs to be told to someone else instead?

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